DECEMBER 2ND, EVENING
After what seemed like a long and productive day, I decided to unplug and unwind.
I have had a long running subscription to Netflix (the DVD by mail kind, not the streaming service) with close to 400 movies in my queue, and this week's movie was waiting to be watched. As I opened my little red envelope and slid out the movie, the title sounded very familiar, and a bit ironic: Heaven is For Real.
I had spent the last two weeks of work praying that God would allow me to stay at work, that God would allow me to find what I am good for, and now just 36 hours after getting the ax at a job that I was praying about, I have a movie to watch that is all about religion and the after life. Touche.
Before I began the movie, I took a shower, brushed my teeth and made myself a nice cup of decaf coffee. I wanted to be fully relaxed for the first time in over a day. It worked.
I started the movie, and as the movie and its plot lines moved on, I found myself routing (yelling!) for the kid to talk it out with his father. The mind of a young boy is full of vivid dreams, cartoons, chocolate, and the occasional dinosaur. It's not the same as being in your mid 30's where you want to talk to everyone at the water cooler about the weird dream you had last night.
So, the more that the pastor tormented himself over what little information his son had told him, the more I wanted to grab him by his shirt, smack him one time in the face and say "Go talk to your son and get him to tell you EVERYTHING HE SAW!"
Just before the end of the movie, I came upon a realization about my current situation and how it may relate to God. I like to think that this is the first of many things that I will come to understand about the work of God. I grabbed a piece of paper, and began to write down my thoughts. This is the expanded version of what I wrote:
I had spent each day after work for the last two weeks praying to God to protect me at my job, to allow me to work at my job, and to allow me to find peace at my job. God wants me to be happy, but He also knows that I have two strikes on my record with this company, and this company does not forgive employees for mistakes made in the past. They will carry those two strikes for as long as I'm employed there.
I believe that by me losing my job, it was because God wants me to make a fresh start. He wants me to move on, to find a new challenge and to start with a clean slate. God knows that the longer I stay in this job, the longer those two strikes would continue to weigh down my thoughts. He knows that I would not be able to be happy with that burden always over my shoulder looking in on me.
So, God loves me so much that He will provide me with a new start at a job that He will choose for me! God knows what is best for me. Thanks be to God for loving me!
I felt an overwhelming calmness come over me after writing my notes. I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie, and I was able to go to bed at a much more respectable time.
I knew that God has plans for me, now the next step would begin: what should I be doing until God's plan for me is revealed?
With that question fresh in my mind, I woke up on Wednesday morning and started my morning routine all over again; right up until the part where you grab the keys and head out the door. Then I stopped in my tracks, pulled a chair up to my keyboard, and started working on today's employment listings.
I sure hope God's plan hits my mailbox soon.
Up Next: Grab Bag!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
The Truth & The Grind
DECEMBER 2nd
I woke up at around 8:30, just like I normally would if I was going to work.
The only difference was that panicked lurch out of bed to look at the alarm clock, followed by the realization that I wasn't going to work today, or tomorrow for that matter. I then sunk back into bed, grabbed the remote control and watched some morning TV in hopes to distract myself from the sickening feeling that hounded me most of yesterday.
Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan keep me busy until I decided to make some breakfast. By 10 a.m., I was now sitting at my computer, determined not to waste another day. I decided to pull out my monthly planner and look at what I had been putting off for the last three years or so. As it turns out, there's quite a lot there.
For starters, I had not updated since October. That's a big oops. Secondly, my planner was going to run out at the end of the month. So, I started a list of things needed (and/or wanted) and a planner for 2015 was on top of the list.
Next up was updating the old resume. I had put together a resume a couple of months ago when I was in the process of interviewing for a new job, but I needed to overhaul it because it was directed right at my previous employer and the job I was applying for.
Some cutting and pasting here and there, plus the required spell check to ensure that I'm not going to put something online with spelling errors, and I was done with my resume right at lunch time. Well, what used to be my lunch time.
During my lunch breaks I always make a point to contact my mother by phone.
My mother is older, and due to the recent events that have taken place in the past few years (death of my father & my brother's suicide), I make sure I talk to her at least twice a day. I talk to her three times on Saturday and Sunday. She lives by herself in my hometown, with my younger brother still there and just a phone call away if she needs something.
She's very happy with being independent, but she also loves to have company as often as possible. I try to visit with her at least once a month for a weekend. It's not a long drive to get there, and once I'm there she's free to truly relax and not worry about the usual things such as feeding her cats or taking out the trash. That's what I'm there for.
Now that I'm unemployed, the first thing I was certain not to do was let on to my mothers that I was out of a job. My mother is a "worry wart", so with the Christmas season just around the bend, there was no sense in putting a big piece of coal in her stocking. Let's just continue to call her at the same time each day, and when I do have the new job, then we tell her.
We have the same routine each phone call: how are you?, what is for lunch today?, how are the fur balls (cats)?, are you taking your medicine?, and so on. I try to ensure that the phone conversation lasts for at least 5 minutes or so. Sometimes, when she is tired, she'll tell me up front that she's about to take a nap. That's her nice way of saying "I'm glad you called, but I want to go to sleep now."
Today was a good day, so with that in mind I told her I loved her and that I'd talk to her this evening at the usual time (usually around 7 p.m.; 'The Truth' about my predicament can wait for another day.
The Truth is a delicate subject for me. In the past, I was less that honest to a number of people in my life, and that caused a large amount of strife and broke up some friendships and relationships as well. In the past I was a rather untrustworthy person. I'm not proud of that.
I have a "Commit to Honesty" paradigm that is stuck to my wall - it's a badge of courage from a few years of work-sponsored therapy sessions which helped me become a better person. Sometimes being honest is the right thing to do, but it certainly isn't going to make the receiver of the honesty the happiest of people.
The Grind for me is the extended period of time you are without a job. It's one thing to be out of a job for a couple of weeks, but once you reach Day 21, it's officially a grind to get anything done.
You start your new found time off in the 'holiday' mode: you get up whenever you want, you do pretty much whatever you want, and you spend about 1-2 hours each day searching the internet for jobs at the popular job sites. Once Day 21 arrives, that all changes.
On Day 21, your alarm clock now has a thin layer of dust. Heck, it might even be blinking from the last power outage. You're only brushing your teeth when you have to leave the house to meet someone. You're wearing your pajama bottoms around the house 24 hours a day. You've officially entered The Grind.
Of course, being that it's just Day 2, I'm definitely going to get a job before The Grind sets in, right? Right?!?
Well, not exactly.
With Day 2 coming to a close, I look back at what I did accomplish today and what I want to do tomorrow. One thing that immediately sticks out was to make use of my benefits, since they were going to end on 12/31. So, I made a doctor appointment and a dentist appointment for this month, and crossed that off of my to do list.
After checking in with my mom in the evening (while still playing the part of the gainfully employed), I sunk into bed around 10:30 p.m., and decided to call it a day. Tomorrow had to be better, it just has to be.
Next Post: Netflix and Jesus
I woke up at around 8:30, just like I normally would if I was going to work.
The only difference was that panicked lurch out of bed to look at the alarm clock, followed by the realization that I wasn't going to work today, or tomorrow for that matter. I then sunk back into bed, grabbed the remote control and watched some morning TV in hopes to distract myself from the sickening feeling that hounded me most of yesterday.
Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan keep me busy until I decided to make some breakfast. By 10 a.m., I was now sitting at my computer, determined not to waste another day. I decided to pull out my monthly planner and look at what I had been putting off for the last three years or so. As it turns out, there's quite a lot there.
For starters, I had not updated since October. That's a big oops. Secondly, my planner was going to run out at the end of the month. So, I started a list of things needed (and/or wanted) and a planner for 2015 was on top of the list.
Next up was updating the old resume. I had put together a resume a couple of months ago when I was in the process of interviewing for a new job, but I needed to overhaul it because it was directed right at my previous employer and the job I was applying for.
Some cutting and pasting here and there, plus the required spell check to ensure that I'm not going to put something online with spelling errors, and I was done with my resume right at lunch time. Well, what used to be my lunch time.
During my lunch breaks I always make a point to contact my mother by phone.
My mother is older, and due to the recent events that have taken place in the past few years (death of my father & my brother's suicide), I make sure I talk to her at least twice a day. I talk to her three times on Saturday and Sunday. She lives by herself in my hometown, with my younger brother still there and just a phone call away if she needs something.
She's very happy with being independent, but she also loves to have company as often as possible. I try to visit with her at least once a month for a weekend. It's not a long drive to get there, and once I'm there she's free to truly relax and not worry about the usual things such as feeding her cats or taking out the trash. That's what I'm there for.
Now that I'm unemployed, the first thing I was certain not to do was let on to my mothers that I was out of a job. My mother is a "worry wart", so with the Christmas season just around the bend, there was no sense in putting a big piece of coal in her stocking. Let's just continue to call her at the same time each day, and when I do have the new job, then we tell her.
We have the same routine each phone call: how are you?, what is for lunch today?, how are the fur balls (cats)?, are you taking your medicine?, and so on. I try to ensure that the phone conversation lasts for at least 5 minutes or so. Sometimes, when she is tired, she'll tell me up front that she's about to take a nap. That's her nice way of saying "I'm glad you called, but I want to go to sleep now."
Today was a good day, so with that in mind I told her I loved her and that I'd talk to her this evening at the usual time (usually around 7 p.m.; 'The Truth' about my predicament can wait for another day.
The Truth is a delicate subject for me. In the past, I was less that honest to a number of people in my life, and that caused a large amount of strife and broke up some friendships and relationships as well. In the past I was a rather untrustworthy person. I'm not proud of that.
I have a "Commit to Honesty" paradigm that is stuck to my wall - it's a badge of courage from a few years of work-sponsored therapy sessions which helped me become a better person. Sometimes being honest is the right thing to do, but it certainly isn't going to make the receiver of the honesty the happiest of people.
The Grind for me is the extended period of time you are without a job. It's one thing to be out of a job for a couple of weeks, but once you reach Day 21, it's officially a grind to get anything done.
You start your new found time off in the 'holiday' mode: you get up whenever you want, you do pretty much whatever you want, and you spend about 1-2 hours each day searching the internet for jobs at the popular job sites. Once Day 21 arrives, that all changes.
On Day 21, your alarm clock now has a thin layer of dust. Heck, it might even be blinking from the last power outage. You're only brushing your teeth when you have to leave the house to meet someone. You're wearing your pajama bottoms around the house 24 hours a day. You've officially entered The Grind.
Of course, being that it's just Day 2, I'm definitely going to get a job before The Grind sets in, right? Right?!?
Well, not exactly.
With Day 2 coming to a close, I look back at what I did accomplish today and what I want to do tomorrow. One thing that immediately sticks out was to make use of my benefits, since they were going to end on 12/31. So, I made a doctor appointment and a dentist appointment for this month, and crossed that off of my to do list.
After checking in with my mom in the evening (while still playing the part of the gainfully employed), I sunk into bed around 10:30 p.m., and decided to call it a day. Tomorrow had to be better, it just has to be.
Next Post: Netflix and Jesus
Monday, February 2, 2015
The Five Stages of Unemployment
DECEMBER 1st, AFTERNOON & EVENING
Each of them said the same thing: how shocked they were, how sad and angry the team was feeling, and each one confirmed that every woman on the team was crying over the decision. Even the manager, who did the 'deed', cried about it.
There was no solace in learning these facts. It's nice to know that I was loved and respected at work, but now that it is no longer my place of employment, it only served as a reminder of the hard work that I had done while there.
After clearing the cobwebs from my long nap, I went ahead and tried to get some things done around the house. I was determined not to be that slouch who just gives up on everything because their job was taken from them. I did all of the laundry I had brought home with me from my long Thanksgiving weekend, I vacuumed the house, I even checked the mail and took out the trash. Even doing all of these things, my brain was still in shock. I didn't know what I was going to do next.
I knew that I need to apply for unemployment, so I went online and completed that task (at least that's what I thought, but that's another part of this story for a later time). After that, I turned to mush. I went to the store, bought some things I needed for dinner, and also picked up a 12 pack of beer.
I drank beer, watched ice hockey and sank into my couch as the hours of the evening ran far past my bed time. Well, at least it used to be my bedtime.
In my beer induced haze, my mind continued to race as I tried to figure out what I did that got me into this situation. I knew all too well "the truth", it was a matter of determining when "the truth" was discovered and by who. That fact may never be truly known.
I continued to burn the midnight oil. I stumbled across a website that talked about the 5 stages of loss: Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I thought to myself "this should also apply to the newly unemployed!" So, I scribbled out a thought on each of the stages and tried to determine where I was on this list.
1. Denial & Isolation - I was in complete denial. How did I go from having complete command of a job and the complete respect of my co-workers to now being unemployed? Can't management see the mistake they've made? They surely are going to change their mind, right? I'm sure that work morale will tank, my co-workers will revolt, and they'll have to bring me back.
The realistic side of me knew that the last sentence would never happen.
With my found freedom, my apartment will now become my den of isolation. With no job, no income and no friends outside of my work circle, I really have no reason to leave the house. I could crawl into my bed, sleep as late as I want to, and pick and choose when to talk to friends via text message or Facebook. I could be the hermit I never wanted to be.
2. Anger - I did not feel any immediate anger about the firing. It would come at a later date and time, but more than anything else, I felt an overwhelming abundance of shame associated with losing my job. No time to be angry, at least not on this day.
3. Bargaining - I think you can see some bargaining within my first paragraph about denial. I was trying to talk myself into thinking that they have to bring me back. What were they thinking? Don't they know how bad the team will perform without me? With my background, I'm sure that someone will hire me right off the street, without even having to submit a job application.
Well, that last sentence almost came true, but that's also a story for a later date.
4. Depression - Oh man, I know this all too well. Even before losing my job, imagine yourself coming to a new city and state, far from your hometown for a new job and a chance to stay with some long time friends. Then fast forward yourself one year later to you being kicked out of your friends' home and they then 'disown' you for a treasure trove of bull shit that I still cannot wrap my head around.
So, I've already been there once since coming to this town. Then add to the mix the death of a family member within that same time period, and I've already been there twice in the span of one year.
Now this.
Thankfully, I've got my head on straight when it comes to depression. I understand it's okay to feel down or sad because of the way that certain things worked out, but there's never EVER any reason to stay in the state of mind for a long time. Take a day, two at the most, then MOVE ON.
5. Acceptance - This is a tough spot for me. I'm naturally stubborn and also a bit vindictive when it comes to being scorned. Even if it is my fault (it is). As I type this, I have obtained a moderate acceptance of what has happened, but I won't be able to put this behind me until the next job starts. I hope it starts soon.
After going through the article and going through my own thought process on the stages, it was finally time to go to bed. I was mentally spent. I knew that tomorrow I needed to start fast in the morning or I would be spending another day thinking about what happened, what could have been and what I did wrong.
At least this long day was done, but now it was time to recharge for the next one. As I went to my bedroom, I decided to turn off my alarms that normally woke me up an hour before work started and try to see when I would naturally wake up.
It's not like I had a job to go to anymore.
Up Next: The Truth & the Grind
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