DECEMBER 1st, AFTERNOON & EVENING
Each of them said the same thing: how shocked they were, how sad and angry the team was feeling, and each one confirmed that every woman on the team was crying over the decision. Even the manager, who did the 'deed', cried about it.
There was no solace in learning these facts. It's nice to know that I was loved and respected at work, but now that it is no longer my place of employment, it only served as a reminder of the hard work that I had done while there.
After clearing the cobwebs from my long nap, I went ahead and tried to get some things done around the house. I was determined not to be that slouch who just gives up on everything because their job was taken from them. I did all of the laundry I had brought home with me from my long Thanksgiving weekend, I vacuumed the house, I even checked the mail and took out the trash. Even doing all of these things, my brain was still in shock. I didn't know what I was going to do next.
I knew that I need to apply for unemployment, so I went online and completed that task (at least that's what I thought, but that's another part of this story for a later time). After that, I turned to mush. I went to the store, bought some things I needed for dinner, and also picked up a 12 pack of beer.
I drank beer, watched ice hockey and sank into my couch as the hours of the evening ran far past my bed time. Well, at least it used to be my bedtime.
In my beer induced haze, my mind continued to race as I tried to figure out what I did that got me into this situation. I knew all too well "the truth", it was a matter of determining when "the truth" was discovered and by who. That fact may never be truly known.
I continued to burn the midnight oil. I stumbled across a website that talked about the 5 stages of loss: Denial/Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I thought to myself "this should also apply to the newly unemployed!" So, I scribbled out a thought on each of the stages and tried to determine where I was on this list.
1. Denial & Isolation - I was in complete denial. How did I go from having complete command of a job and the complete respect of my co-workers to now being unemployed? Can't management see the mistake they've made? They surely are going to change their mind, right? I'm sure that work morale will tank, my co-workers will revolt, and they'll have to bring me back.
The realistic side of me knew that the last sentence would never happen.
With my found freedom, my apartment will now become my den of isolation. With no job, no income and no friends outside of my work circle, I really have no reason to leave the house. I could crawl into my bed, sleep as late as I want to, and pick and choose when to talk to friends via text message or Facebook. I could be the hermit I never wanted to be.
2. Anger - I did not feel any immediate anger about the firing. It would come at a later date and time, but more than anything else, I felt an overwhelming abundance of shame associated with losing my job. No time to be angry, at least not on this day.
3. Bargaining - I think you can see some bargaining within my first paragraph about denial. I was trying to talk myself into thinking that they have to bring me back. What were they thinking? Don't they know how bad the team will perform without me? With my background, I'm sure that someone will hire me right off the street, without even having to submit a job application.
Well, that last sentence almost came true, but that's also a story for a later date.
4. Depression - Oh man, I know this all too well. Even before losing my job, imagine yourself coming to a new city and state, far from your hometown for a new job and a chance to stay with some long time friends. Then fast forward yourself one year later to you being kicked out of your friends' home and they then 'disown' you for a treasure trove of bull shit that I still cannot wrap my head around.
So, I've already been there once since coming to this town. Then add to the mix the death of a family member within that same time period, and I've already been there twice in the span of one year.
Now this.
Thankfully, I've got my head on straight when it comes to depression. I understand it's okay to feel down or sad because of the way that certain things worked out, but there's never EVER any reason to stay in the state of mind for a long time. Take a day, two at the most, then MOVE ON.
5. Acceptance - This is a tough spot for me. I'm naturally stubborn and also a bit vindictive when it comes to being scorned. Even if it is my fault (it is). As I type this, I have obtained a moderate acceptance of what has happened, but I won't be able to put this behind me until the next job starts. I hope it starts soon.
After going through the article and going through my own thought process on the stages, it was finally time to go to bed. I was mentally spent. I knew that tomorrow I needed to start fast in the morning or I would be spending another day thinking about what happened, what could have been and what I did wrong.
At least this long day was done, but now it was time to recharge for the next one. As I went to my bedroom, I decided to turn off my alarms that normally woke me up an hour before work started and try to see when I would naturally wake up.
It's not like I had a job to go to anymore.
Up Next: The Truth & the Grind
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